guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wish there were birth control emojis
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
