I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize