It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
