no, he came in my armpit
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
