people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
