This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
