It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize