i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
