I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
