Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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