I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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