u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
