I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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