I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
