Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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