he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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