Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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