Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
