The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize