wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize