I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
