jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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