how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
