another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
