as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
