I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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