so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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