At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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