omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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