dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
