If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
