Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
