I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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