Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
