So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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