yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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