A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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