I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
