took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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