That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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