I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
