Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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