I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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