guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
home. puking in laundry basket.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize