so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
