the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your penis caused this!
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