So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
