woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
