just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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