It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
