I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
