How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
