I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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