If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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