Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
