Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize